英语如此搞笑，翻译如此残暴！
泛瑞翻译
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平，然后用丰富的经验打败你.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。
意译b：所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你最终还是男女有别。
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什么忙？！
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
直译：小孩子要中间名，纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。
意译：起个全名就为了揍孩子前可以底气十足地喊出来。
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
跳楼的时候，“啊——”的时候还没死， “啪！”那才是死了。